Guards, Bars and Doggone Gang Wars - Chaos at BPHC
Written on May 16th, 2022 by {"login"=>"jcbphc21", "email"=>"f20181005@hyderabad.bits-pilani.ac.in", "display_name"=>"Journal Club, BPHC", "first_name"=>"Journal Club", "last_name"=>"BPHC"}The story begins on the night of the 15th. My colleague and I had just gotten our drinks from Amul and stood right outside the shop. Slowly, we noticed a crowd materialize in front of the volleyball court. There was tension in the air as people began to shout. A guy came up to us and asked whether we were here for the fight, but we replied that the only thing we were fighting was crippling depression. Suddenly, someone cried out, and people began rushing to the centre of the mob. An excited passer-by knocked my drink out of my hand. I realized that I would have to write 4 more articles to get paid enough to buy it back. Soon, we were pushed right into the centre with bodies bustling around us and shoving each other. There were shouts of “You wanna fight bro? You wanna fight?”, “You see these muscles, man?”, “I’ll send your ass back to Shankar basement” and the occasional “Modi Ji ki Jai.” In the midst of all the confusion, the guards and wardens came and began dispersing the students back to where they came from. As soon as the crowd cleared, we saw our editor looking at us from the pavement, a smile on his face – it was time to write another underpaying article.
Our search started for what actually happened that night, leading us to a student by the name of Sanath Sharma. He contacted us and talked about how he had some leads on the groups that were involved in the fights. We met up with Sanath and followed him to Shankar basement.
“Just remember, this guy is really shy and he wants the interview to be done in utmost secrecy.”
We arrived at S-016, but the door was locked. Suddenly, we heard a sound behind us.
“Psst….psst… here, I’m here”
A few doors away was a head peeking out of one of the rooms. The owner of the head was wearing a red RCB shirt with the name Panam printed on the back. Panam Shukla is the leader of the RCB sleeper cell in our college; the room he led us into contained two other people – one was sitting on a chair and the other was standing in a corner muttering to himself.
“We shifted our rooms because we thought people were beginning to catch on that we were RCB fans.”
We looked at his shirt and wondered why.
“We have to work in secrecy because people don’t take our kind seriously. I got bullied by my colleagues and rejected by girls when they found out I’m an RCB fan.”
We agreed and began questioning him about the incidents of the night.
“It was the MI people that instigated us, we were passing around the volleyball court and suddenly they appeared around the corner. Soon, they were jeering and asking us why Kohli had so many duck outs this IPL.”
“Unlucky,” shouted the guy in the chair.
“Unlucky,” repeated the guy in the corner.
“Unlucky, yes, but they wouldn’t understand. We told them to stop and mind their own business, but they started talking about all the times we choked in decisive matches, we tried…..”
Panam trailed off as he held his head in his hands.
It’s been so difficult around here. Just take a look at Jayesh,” he said, pointing to the guy in the corner.
Apparently, Jayesh used to be a happy man before he started following RCB. Soon, he became completely delusional while waiting for Kohli’s next hundred. Now he spends his days in a trance, thinking that Virat has already scored his 71st century.”
“kiiiing….” comes the whisper from the corner.
“What shall we do, huh? Even ABD left and they stole Gayle. What will become of us?”
There was pin-drop silence broken only by the sobbing of Panam. Suddenly the guy in the chair got up and made his way over to his crying colleague. He placed his hand on his shoulder and looked straight into his eyes and said,
“Ee Saala Cup Namde.”
As if rejuvenated, both Panam and Jayesh began repeating the chant over and over again. We realized at this point that there was no profit in talking to them now.
Next, Sanath led us to the founder of the BPHC Dog Haters Community. Shantanu Tandon, a resident of VM 3rd Floor, was sitting on his bed, ready to greet us.
“Almost all the problems on campus are caused by dogs. One day I was walking back from Hotspot with food, and suddenly a dog took an interest in me. He soon called all of his buddies and began chasing me. After catching up, they began bullying me by making mean comments about my shirt, music taste and even my accent. Finally, I had to give them my wallet, PAN Card and CVV number - only then did they let me go. As I was walking back, they were shouting, “Dekh mummy ke pas bhag raha hai baccha,” “Come back when you learn to run on four legs,” “Your sense of smell is as low as your sense of humor.”
“This is why I decided to form Dog Haters BPHC along with my roommate. We should end the tyranny and terrorism that dogs commit on campus.”
He looks my colleague in the eye and says,
“What if one day a dog steals your placement package? The days are not far off, brother.”
We asked him whether he knew anything about the fight.
“Oh yeah, the fight. Those dog-loving idiots on campus were protesting against us when we began to drive out these mongrels from the street near the volleyball court. So they tried to stop us and things escalated. My roommate even has a video of it on his laptop.
Shantanu takes the laptop from his roommate’s desk and opens the lid. Suddenly, the color drains from his entire face. His hands begin shaking as he drops the computer and it falls to the floor. We manage to catch a glimpse of the screen and realize that it’s a Google image search. The search bar reads – ‘cute dog pics’
“Yeh kaise ho gaya,” Shantanu mumbles the same phrase over and over again to himself.
We leave the catatonic Shantanu to himself as he lies on his bed in shock.
It is notable to note that we received a call from a SU member who claimed to have witnessed the incident. We decided to question him on the topic,
“So, as an eye witness who noticed everything, what was your response when things got heated?”
“Like in every situation, I did nothing.”
Moving on. Imagine our surprise when the Comedy Club reached out to us over this incident. One of their members, Mohan Kanauji, met with us personally.
“It was ELAS,” he said as soon as we entered his room.
“You know how we destroy them everywhere, right? We were walking down the volleyball court when suddenly we noticed them with their Verba Maximus merch.”
A few of his friends snickered in the background.
“So we did what we usually do - a few shouts of Elasi M******** and Bhadwa Maximus, and the snowflakes were riled up and ready to get physical.”
“When the fight began, three Shreya(s) came straight for my face and a fourth one went for my leg. I would have been lmao ded for real if not for my friend here – Shubam. He began cracking jokes and his sense of humor repulsed all the girls away.”
“Soon after that, the fight was over and they were all running away. Lost in Traversion? More like lost in gang fights, amirite?”
We tried very hard to laugh.
Soon Mohan went off-topic and forced us to attend a standup comedy session written by him. We reported to the MedC after it was done.
It was dark now. Exhausted and burnt out, we made our way to the library, deciding that it was better to study for the exams that we were gonna fail anyway instead of chasing wild gooses.
Taking the route from RnT, we heard frisking noises around us that made us feel like we were surrounded. Having read ‘Fantastic Couples and How to Avoid Them’ by Rushabh Musthyala, my colleague and I followed rule #35 from the book and continued forward.
Suddenly our ears picked up a weird conversation,
“Hey baby, you know the fight that happened yesterday?”
Giggling, “Yea, honeybuns.”
“It was because of me. I fought five guys ‘cuz they called you names.”
More giggling.
“You’re so bra….”
Not wanting to hear more, we began to run.
This is the Journal Club, reporting on campus.