Interview with Queer BITSians
Written on September 6th, 2019 by {"login"=>"jcbitshyd", "email"=>"journal@hyderabad.bits-pilani.ac.in", "display_name"=>"Journal Club, BPHC", "first_name"=>"", "last_name"=>""}Interview 1
Q: When did you realize that you were gay?
A: I knew a very long time ago that I had different preferences. When I got to the age when other boys started noticing the girls in our class and started talking about other females and actresses, I could never really relate to that. I knew then that I was different. Being well-aware of the concept of homosexuality, I was soon very sure of who I was. Knowing was, of course, the easy part. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and start accepting myself again. Honestly, that’s the biggest part of the process.
Q: Did college in any way help you in this process?
A: For the first time in my life, I met people who I could openly talk to about this. I had never had that comfort or that level of acceptance before in my life. Coming out to the people who I was closest to was liberating. Back then, I was struggling with acceptance, and knowing that there were people who would accept me as I am helped a lot. You can’t go back once you have the kind of freedom that comes with finally being out.
Q: How accepting do you think our college is when it comes to the queer community?
A: Clearly not accepting enough, seeing as this is an anonymous interview. It’s the little things that make you feel like the people aren’t ready to accept you yet. Seeing people offhandedly say things like “That’s so gay” and people mockingly tagging their friends in the confessions page makes you realize that there’s still an amount of immaturity attached to it. This might just be what they’re projecting on the outside, but it leaves enough room for uncertainty. It could just be a toned-down cover for the primitive intolerance that lies within. It obviously doesn’t apply to a lot of people but that uncertainty can leave anyone feeling insecure.
Q: What do you think can be done to change the current scenario?
A: What Embryo and TEDx did last year by calling people from the community was a really good place to start with but the talks just leave an impact for a couple of days. Nothing is being done to actively change this. I like how Richa Mittal had a support group. It would be nice to have a group of people who have been in your shoes actively guiding you through this journey. I feel like there should be some open space to talk about that. There is a taboo attached to these topics.
It would be amazing if we had Community Sessions or a Pride Walk. The only way that people would feel comfortable about coming out would be if they are sure that there are people who will accept them. If there is a major show of this, like a pride parade, people would feel a lot less insecure about openly talking about things like this. I feel like it would really help start a proper community on campus.
Q: We still see a lot of instances about people in the community being harassed even after section 377 was scraped. Did you face any such situations outside or on campus?
A: I’ve been fortunate enough to not be in such a position because I have been very selective about the people I have come out to. If there were any such situations though, I wouldn’t stay quiet about it. It is a fact that injustice has occurred and things like this are still happening. People need to be public about such things because awareness is the first step towards change.
Q: Do you think you would miss out on any college experiences because you aren’t out yet or because you are gay?
A: I think dating and things like that would be easier if I was out. For example, I could go to prom with another guy and it would be totally fine. However, our college doesn’t have any avenues where you can see the difference in sexuality so I don’t think I am missing out.
Q: What do you think would be the response if you were to come out on campus?
A: It’s not like I actively try to hide who I am. I just don’t go around publicly announcing it. I do expect a lot of hate, though. A lot of “you faggot” and “stay away from me in hostel” going around. For some reason, all of the guys I have come-out to think that I want to date them, so I feel like I can see more of that too. Mainly, I have always been concerned that the response outside of my circle would be hateful.
Q: What sort of things have you done as an attempt to fit in as a straight guy?
A: I did ask out a couple of girls, trying to fit in. I had to pretend I was into them just so that I didn’t feel like I was missing out. Apart from that, I do have a lot of ‘effeminate’ characteristics in general. But I tone that down a lot to fit in normally because I don’t want people to find out.
Q: Do you think you can relate more to women?
A: Personally, I have a lot of close friends who are girls. I definitely relate more to them than my guy friends but then I’m pretty sure it’s just me. There are probably a lot of gay men out there who feel closer to their male friends. But I am not one of them.
Q: So there are a lot of stereotypes surrounding gay men specifically. Which ones do you think are the worst?
A: So there's this one assumption that gay men are interested in women’s clothes. That’s definitely untrue. Everyone is just interested in what they want to wear. You can’t put a gender on clothing. Another one which annoys me is that a lot of people think gay men are just walking around trying to ‘turn’ straight men. I’m pretty sure I can utilise my time in better ways. One thing that really gets me is that most straight men automatically assume that gay dudes want to make a move on them. It would be nice if they could get off their high horse for once. Apart from that, there’s also this image of the sass queen going around. It just comes down to everyone’s individual personality at the end of the day. Stereotyping and boxing people into one particular category is wrong. Sticking down an entire group of people to one personality is appalling.
Q: What does pride mean to you?
A: To me, pride is about accepting who you are. It doesn’t just have to be about sexuality. Most people have this assumption that pride is just about the LGBTQ community. I’d like to think that pride is for everyone. It is self-acceptance and embracing who you are, and all how you are unique. However, the movement that has stemmed from it has made a tremendous difference to the community.
Interview 2
Q: Did you realise that you are a part of the queer community over a period of time or was it any particular event? Has the college been in any way a part of this process?
A: I came to realise, or I will rather say I accepted that I am homosexual when I was in 11th grade. There was a very generic phase of denial and anxiety but once I was over that, I begin to explore and attain awareness about the same and I realised that it should have happened even earlier.
Q: What does 'Pride’ mean to you?
A: I see pride as a symbol of awareness. There are several other issues one has to deal with and sexual orientation should not be one of it. I don't take pride in being gay, neither should anyone be proud of being straight or any other orientation whatsoever, because it is not something one achieved. There is a lot of awareness needed amongst the people of the society and about its existence for others.
Q: Did coming to college help in social exposure?
A: I have been socialising with the people of the community since I was in 12th grade. That used to happen with the help of dating apps, which toned down after I joined the college because of time constraints. There are events organised in the city and I try to attend to attend as many of them as I can.
Q: How accepting do you think the environment of our college is for the queer community?
A: I can only speak for the interactions and instances I come across and can't speak for the college in general. I have seen conversations where people are both in favour and against the existence of the queer community. Sharing jokes and memes is fine to some extent, but people need to understand that using terms like 'gay shit' isn't correct, neither morally, nor literally. There's very little participation in a queer based talk organised on the campus but as a lot of people say, it's about the majority of the initiatives.
Q: We often hear cases where queer people have to face violence or harassment from someone they know. Can you share something in this regard?
A: Fortunately, I have never been involved in any such experience. Few of my friends have shared their stories and they were disheartening.
Q: Do you think you miss out on anything in college because you aren't out or because you are a queer?
A: Honestly, I do not think that I miss out a lot except certain abstract elements of college life. It feels difficult to be completely transparent to someone. One cannot express that he is intimidated by someone because there is always a fear of judgement or abandonment. I would not say I’m missing something as a whole because of my sexuality. Befriending someone becomes a quest of assumptions and expectations which is not the way one should go about it.
Q: If some fine day, you come out to people you know in the college, what do you expect their reaction to be? Do you think it changes anything or rather is there something which stops you from doing so?
A: One can never tell how things will change after he/she comes out to their friend. There is always a fear of a slight possibility of someone not being fine with it which can change the complete dynamics of the friendship. I never think of coming out as a major event of sorts because ideally, I expect nothing to change. I’m out to quite a few people in the college but i have been selective about it. As for the people I came out to, everything has been better after that and I feel fortunate in that matter.
Q: Is there something in your mind which can make the environment of the college, at the least, safer and supportive for the community?
A: There needs to be awareness related to the queer community but the motivation to seek it should come from the individual himself. The least people can do is search and clear their doubts related to something rather than assuming something particular. A lot of colleges have queer groups which can be a platform for socialising and clearing certain doubts one may have but our college lacks one. Forming a society might be useful but it has its hurdles and a vague statement to say when I am answering as an anonymous person.